Osho Jokes on Relationships

1. 

   Jack Jerk is watching as his wife, Jill, tries on her new "Betty Boobs" brand bra.
   "What the hell did you buy that thing for?" asks Jack Jerk. "You have nothing to put into it!"
   "Cool it, Jack!" snaps Jill. "Do I complain about you wearing underpants?"
   
2. Paddy and his friend Sean were sitting in a bar moaning to each other, talking about how ugly their wives are -- a common topic among husbands.
   "My wife is so ugly," said Sean, "if I want to make love to her I have to put a bag over her head."
   "That's nothing," said Paddy. "My wife was so ugly when she was born that the doctor slapped her mother."
   
    
3. George Grope is fifty years old, and has spent the best years of his life with a woman whose constant nagging and criticism has driven him mad.
   Now, in poor health, and with his business on the verge of collapse, he makes up his mind. He goes to the dining room, gets up on a chair, fastens his tie around the chandelier, and is just about to end it all. At that moment his wife enters the room.
   "George!" she cries in shock at the scene before her. "You idiot! That is your best tie!"
    
4. Paddy is drinking a few beers in the pub, and he has a worried look on his face.
   "What is the matter?" asks his friend, Seamus.
   Paddy drinks down his beer and says, "I am totally afraid to go near the highway, day or night."
   "Why?" asks Seamus, sipping his beer.
   "Well," replies Paddy, "my wife just escaped with a truck driver, and every time I hear a horn I'm afraid he is bringing her back!"
    
5. Paddy and Sean are sitting in the pub having a discussion about their wives.
   "What do you mean," asks Sean, "when you say you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night?"
   "First," replies Paddy, "I have to think up a reason for going out. And second, I have to think up a reason why she can't go with me!"
   
6. Swami Deva Cleverhead, the group therapist, is walking out of the front gate one night.
   "Hello, sir," says Black-Fat, the flower-seller. "Buy roses for your lovely wife?"
   "I haven't got a wife," snaps Cleverhead, waving him away.
   "Okay," says Black-Fat, "roses for your girlfriend?"
   "No," screams Cleverhead. "I haven't got a girlfriend either!"
   "Okay," says Black-Fat," then buy two bunches  -- to celebrate your good luck!"
   
7. After ten years of marriage, Boris and Betty Bunkovitz get divorced. Betty wins custody of their young son, Bert, and three hundred dollars a month in child support from Boris. On the first of every month, Betty sends Bert to Boris to pick up the money. And every month the check is waiting.
   On his eighteenth birthday, Bert goes once again to Boris. But this time, as Boris hands Bert the check, Boris says, "Bert, when you give this check to your mother, tell her it is the last check I am going to send her... and watch the expression on her face!"
   Returning home, Bert says to Betty,
   "Mum, Boris told me to watch the expression on your face when I tell you that this is your last check."
   "Is that so?" says Betty. "Then, I want you to go straight back over there and watch the expression on Boris' face, when you tell him that he is not your father!"
   
8. Timid Teddy Toober is tired of being a wimp, so he goes to see Doctor Feelgood, the famous psychiatrist.
   "As I see it," recommends Feelgood, "you need to be more firm, more tough at home. Just show your wife, Big Bertha, that you are a man and not a mouse!"
   "Great idea!" replies Timid Teddy.
   And that evening he goes home feeling like a real man. He walks in the door and sees Big Bertha carrying the couch upstairs by herself.
   "Listen, here," commands Timid Teddy. "Just put down that couch, and from now on you are taking orders from me. First, I want my slippers, my newspaper, and my pipe delivered to me in my easy-chair!"
   Big Bertha looks at Teddy in disbelief as she slowly puts down the couch.
   "Then, after you prepare supper," Teddy continues, "just go up and lay out my evening clothes -- I am going out alone tonight with the boys. And do you know who is going to dress me in my best tuxedo and black tie?"
   "Sure, I know," says Big Bertha, smiling, "the undertaker!"
    
9. Humphrey Hogbreath wakes up slowly after undergoing a serious brain operation. He is just conscious enough to feel the softness of the comfortable bed and the warmth of gentle hands on his forehead.
   "Ah!" gasps Humphrey. "Where am I? In heaven?"
   "No, dear," replies Hilda, his wife, "I am still right here with you!"
   
10. "Darling," whispers Johnny, "you are the only one for me. I love you. I need you. I can't live without you."
    "Please!" gasps Julie, pushing him away.
    "Why? What is wrong?" asks a stunned Johnny.
    "I am in such a playful, happy mood," says Julie, "and I don't want to get serious."
    "So?" smiles Johnny. "Who's serious?"