Osho Jokes on Repressed Sexuality

1. 
   When Gozo the gorilla dies his female companion, Gertie, gets very horny. After a few months she begins to get violent, as her need for sex increases. Finally the zookeepers decide to get a man to make love to her. They go downtown and pick up Jose, a big Mexican, and offer him twenty dollars to do the job.
   They put a muzzle on Gertie's mouth, tie her arms to the bars, and then let the Mexican into the cage. When Gertie sees that Jose has an erection, she goes wild. She rips her arms loose from the bars and begins crushing him in her embrace.
   "Help!" shouts Jose. "For Christ's sake, help!"
   "Don't worry," shouts the keeper. "We'll get the elephant gun and shoot her!"
   "No! No!" cries Jose. "Don't shoot her! Just get her muzzle off - I want to kiss her!"
   
   
    
2. The student demonstration had turned into a riot. Suddenly a man staggered out of the crowd carrying a limp girl in his arms.
   "Here," shouted a cop running up to the man, "give her to me. I will get her out of this."
   "The hell with you," replied the man, "go and find one of your own!"
   
    
3. A young cowboy, in the wild west for the first time, finds himself in a town without women. At the local saloon, he asks the other cowboys how they manage without women, and they tell him to find a sheep or a cow for a companion.
   A few days later, the young man walks in with a pig. He sits her down at a table and then walks over to the bar and says, "I will have a large whiskey for myself and a root beer for the young lady."
   The bartender reaches below the bar and brings out his shotgun. He points it at the young man, who starts to back away.
   "I don't understand," he says. "You told me I could find a companion."
   "I know," replies the bartender, taking aim.
   "Then why are you pointing that gun at me?" cries the cowboy.
   "We told you to find a companion," says the bartender, "but not the sheriff's wife."
   
    
4. Back at the zoo, Luigi's demand that Griselda the Gorilla's children be brought up Catholic is turned down by Herman Kanubowitz, the zoo's Jewish director. As a last resort, Griselda's keeper puts a sign up on the gate of the zoo, which reads: "One thousand dollars to mate with ape!"
   Kowalski has just returned some penguins to the zoo, when he sees the sign and walks into the keeper's office. The keeper takes one look at Kowalski and knows that he has found his man. However, Kowalski also has three conditions.
   "First," says Kowalski, "nobody tells my wife."
   "Absolutely not!" replies the keeper.
   "Second," says Kowalski, "nobody tells my workmates."
   "Don't worry," replies the keeper, "complete secrecy will be maintained."
   "Okay," says Kowalski, "and third... can I pay in installments?"
   
    
5. In Detroit, brothels are now automatized. One puts twenty dollars in a slot and a door opens.
   A politician decides to have a go. He puts in the twenty bucks and the door opens. He finds himself in a corridor with two doors: one reads "Blonde", the other reads "Brunette". He chooses the door with "Blonde" written on it.
   He then finds himself in another corridor with two doors: one reads "Tall" and the other reads "Small". He opens the door with "Tall" written on it and finds himself in another corridor with two doors: one reads "Big Tits", the other reads "Small Tits"
   
   Immediately he chooses the door with "Big Tits" on it, and finds himself in another corridor with two doors, the one reading "Small Ass", the other "Large Ass".
   
   He rushes through the door with "Small Ass" written on it, and again finds himself in a corridor with two doors, one with "Real Screw" on it, the other "Fancy Fuck".
   
   He throws himself on the door with "Real Screw" on it...and finds himself in the street on the other side of the same building!
   
    
6. It was eight a.m. at a Las Vegas gambling palace and two lone bettors were still standing by a dice table awaiting further competition, when a lusciously endowed brunette attired in a suit happened by.
   "Although it's quite early in the day," she announced, "I feel lucky this morning. I'd like to roll the dice once for twenty thousand dollars. Would the two of you care to take me up on the wager?"
   "Sure, lady," answered one of the men, "we'll take your action."
   "I hope you gentlemen won't mind," she then said, "but the only way I can get lucky is to roll the dice without my panties on."
   So saying, the lissome lovely proceeded to remove her slacks and panties. With a shout of "Mamma needs a new pair of pants!" she rolled the dice, gave a squeal of delight and yelled, "I win!" She then picked up her money, her slacks and her underwear and made a hasty exit from the room. The two men exchanged double takes, and one of them blurted out, "Hey, what did she roll anyway?"
   "How the hell should I know?" snapped the other, "I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
   
    
7. Ace psychiatrist, Dr. Feelgood, is waiting impatiently for the first patient of the day. Then in walks a beautiful young brunette.
   Feel good suddenly pounces on her, rips off her clothes and makes wild, passionate love to her. When he is finished, he stands up and says, "So, that takes care of my problem -- now, what is yours?"
   
    
8. Grace lay on the psychiatrist's couch. "Close your eyes and relax," said the shrink, "and I will try an experiment."
   He took a leather key case from his pocket, flipped it open and shook the keys. "What did that sound remind you of?" he asked.
   "Sex," she whispered.
   Then he closed his key case and touched it to the girl's upturned palm. Her body stiffened.
   "And that?" asked the psychiatrist.
   "Sex," Grace murmured nervously.
   "Now open your eyes," instructed the doctor, "and tell me why what I did was sexually evocative to you."
   Hesitantly, her eyelids flickered open. Grace saw the key case in the psychiatrist's hand and blushed scarlet.
   "Well -- er -- to begin with," she stammered, "I thought that first sound was your zipper opening...."
   
    
9. Old Zeb, the back-woods Virginia farmer, has been screwing one of his favorite pigs for years. Suddenly, Zeb is hit by pangs of guilt and conscience that torture him so much he decides to go and tell the priest about it in confession. Father Fungus is shocked and he really does not know how to handle this one.
   "Well," says the priest to old Zeb, "tell me, is the pig male or female?"
   "She's female, of course," snorts Zeb. "What do you think I am -- some kind of a pervert?"
   
    
10. Two famous music lovers, Cardinal Catsass and Pope the Polack, are sipping wine and having an intimate chat in the pope's private Vatican chambers. "Did you know," says Catsass, confiding in the old papal fruitcake, "that I have a very special musical friend?"
    "Really?" says the pope.
    "Yes," continues Catsass. "I treat her just like a guitar -- I finger the top and play the bottom and get beautiful music!"
    "Well," says Pope the Polack, "I must confess that I have a very special musical friend, too."
    "Really?" exclaims Catsass.
    "Yes," continues the Polack pope. "I treat mine more like a pop record. I place her on the deck and we make beautiful music. And then three minutes later, I turn her over!"